Tuesday, May 19, 2009

a year and a day

As several people know, Sunday was the year anniversary of my dad passing. i was kind of expecting an emotional meltdown. the whole week prior, i would find myself wiping tears from my eyes periodically and i would think, "oh no. what is sunday going to be like?". however, i'd also like to mention that during that week, i had indescribable peace and energy and joy. it was so calming to know that i was in my Savior's hands and it was so very evident. Saturday night my mom and i had a lot of bonding time. So much of the time it seems as though we don't really know each other as well as we should. We still have lots of catching up to do. The plan for the next day was to go to church and then have a nice lunch just the three of us (mom, Caleb and me), and then spend a peaceful day together at home. As i was getting ready for church, i started to feel a wee bit anxious. i really did not want to break down. i was already weepy and decided to not bother with eyeliner or mascara. i figured that if i was already in this weepy state that during the worship service it would probably be an all-out tear-fest 2009 (installment #5). all of which would have been fine, but i wanted some extra comfort. during worship i didn't think i'd be able to sit with my mom because she was sitting with a group of people who were being commissioned into Stephen's Ministry. Jed wouldn't be there because he was still moving. i thought i would be sitting there alone. (not that i couldn't sit with other people, but i wanted someone who really knew me to be there.) Before service i ran into Camee. i told her what was going on and asked if she would sit with me. Camee has become a very special friend in my life. The first time i officially met her, i was suffering from a HUGE panic attack that i'm sure now was related to my grieving. It was a day that God poured an unmeasurable amount of grace on me that i will never ever ever forget. So it was fitting that i would be sitting with her during church. And the breakdown never occured. And as it turns out, the group my mom was sitting with was sitting right next to where we usually sit. And it was wonderful to sit between my mom and Camee and feel right at home. It was really liberating to get through that service and not breakdown -- not because i was forcing it down (i wasn't), but because the presence of God was so still and gentle.

After service Camee asked if we wanted to join her and her boys for lunch. When i told her that i thought it was impotant for Caleb, my mom and i to have some time alone, she asked if Caleb would want to come over so my mom and i could have some time alone together. i readily accepted. For at least the last year and a half the only time my mom and i have had alone together outside of the house was when we were making funeral arrangements. i don't think we've ever had a meal together where one or both of us wasn't also busy with Caleb. it was refreshing and such an amazing blessing.

My mom and i have gotten to grow so much closer to one another over this past year and i wouldn't trade it for anything. This last year, with all of its heartbreak, has been an incredible learning and growing experience. i've had boldness that i've never known before, peace that i've never known before, and felt love that i've never known before.

There's a saying from somewhere that you grieve for a year and a day. i wonder if my "year" wasn't the anniversary of when my dad went to the hospital for the last time. Either way, the year and a day are over and i LITERALLY feel like a weight has been lifted. And i'm greatly looking forward to what God has in store for my future.

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